A tear of love

Disclaimer: All characters in this story are a work of fiction. Any resemblance to those who are living or dead is purely coincidental.

"Ting!Ting!!" I ring the bell.
"TingTingTingTing" I am impatient. What is he doing inside? Stupid fellow.
He opens the door and looks straight with his boyish eyes. After all this work, this is what I long for. His eyes - They make proud- I am the one who makes this guy happy. I fell into his hands. He holds me and kisses me on the cheek. He puts a hand around my waist and holds me tight. He takes my inside and allows me to rest on sofa. He comes back and says
"Honey! hot water is ready for you. Would you like to take a bath?"
I go for bath and come back. He is waiting for me at the dinner table. "Honey! what do you like to eat today?"
"Sorry Dude! Today we had a release. Our manager took us to a restaurant. I am sorry" I say in apologetic tone.
He looks into my eyes and smiles. "Don't worry!". I know he cooks the dinner almost all the time because I end up in the office doing something or the other. I know he waits for me, cooks for me and serves it everyday. It makes him happy. And it makes me proud to see him happy. He switches on the TV. I sit near his table, looking at him. Its weird how we ended like this. Suddenly he stops eating, throws away the remaining food in dustbin. I understand he is upset about something. I ask him to come and sit with me. He comes and sits beside me. I can see the pain in his eyes. He is totally emotional. He cries for lot of things that I don't understand. Yet I am there to make him happy. Generally, he won't make any noise while he is crying. Tears just roll down his eyes. You need to sit beside him, hug him and doesn't say anything. He will alright in a moment. Power goes off. He remains cold as stone in my hands. It is pin-drop silent. There is something wrong. There is something pulling me from inside. I feel that it is not him who is crying. His soul is crying out without sound. I could feel it. I feel as if something pierced into my heart and made into thousands of pieces. I feel a pain inside. I didn't understand what is bothering him and why it is effecting me so much. Power comes back. A tear rolled from his cheek into my hand. He clears his eyes and says that he is OK. I take the remote and starts playing with it. I stop at a music channel. And I start reading the messages that scroll in the bottom.
"Shruti! I love u so much ra. Call me back ra plz ra.- Nzvd Ravi"
"Hari:HapPy Bithday to my sweet mom"
"Hello Sasi, raj, vamshi. This is sanju"
***************
Those were the longest days of my life. We shifted to a new house. I couldn't sleep. There was no work in office. I used to work in shifts. Mine was 2nd shift. Because it was a new place I couldn't sleep in the night. I used to wake up early and wonder what to do?. Our TV was under repair. Only video. No Video. I use to switch it ON and watch it. My favorite time pass was to read the messages in the scroll down in those stupid music channels. It was interesting. That day I could still remember, 28th July 2007. I was reading the messages as usual. I saw one message repeating again and again. I wondered whether it was a mistake or somebody was sending it again and again."BB:Anybody there?". I thought there was somebody like me out. So, I thought lets do some time pass today. I sent a message:"GF:Yes BB! I am here".
"I love you GF" was his reply.
So fast. "I love you too BB. btw what is BB?"
"BB: Birthday Boy"
"Happy Birthday BB"
"Thank you!!!!"
That was how it started. We had a chat with these messages on that stupid TV everyday for about two weeks. It was weird talking a guy like this without knowing his name, phone number or email id. One day he asked me my mail id. I created a new id - girlfriend404 (Hint: what is 404?) and gave it to him. He used to mail everyday. He used to write long mails describing everything he did everyday. Sometimes, I just read it and forget it. Sometimes, I used to reply. He said that it makes him happy that somebody is listening to him. He was different. Unlike other guys I have seen. He is very emotional. From his mails, I understood that he looks at everything around him and analyses their behavior. From his description, I always imagined him to be a guy around 5'6" with a big belly and walking with this face down. As time went on,he became a part of my life. Everyday after coming home, I used to read his mails and sleep. By that time, I was adjusted to the room and used to have a nice sleep. Everyday I used to get a dream. I was standing there on the top of a valley and looking down. Valley was full of greenery. Clouds looked so near. I open my hands as if to touch the clouds. But I touched a warm hand beside me. And then I wake up. It went on like that.
One day he said that he wanted to meet me. Lot of questions in my mind. It was almost one year since we were doing this chatting. But we never met. Honestly, I never thought of meeting him. He said it is important and urgent for him to meet me. I thought about it. Should I say Yes or No?. What is he going to do? Would he propose me? Lot of questions in mind. I decided go and find out. I thought I knew this guy very well and there was nothing to worry. We decided to meet near Shilparamam at 6:30 pm on Thursday. I was struck with work in office and went half an hour late. I searched for a stout guy looking down and playing with stones there. I thought he was the guy and went to near him. A tall, thin guy
with spects smiling radiantly and asked me "Are you 404?".We used to call each other as 404 and BB. "Oh! so you are BB?"."Yes" He smiled.
I was shocked. I was completely wrong about his appearance. When he talks he looks straight into my eyes. He looked like a boy. But he was charming. Whether it was his charm or the shock I stood there watching him. The instant I realized that I have been watching him for more than a couple a minutes, I came to life. Then I got another shock. He had wedding cards in his hard. I was shocked again. My mind was running with numerous thoughts.
***************
You have a message! You have a message. My cellphone is beeping. I check my messages. Message from manager. I must admit that I am workaholic. And my manager knows that very well. He is asking me to come early in the morning. When I am working I just don't remember anything else. I forgot birthday's, anniversaries, appointments, phone calls everything. All I remember is to complete the work.

That day also I forgot what he said earlier. He said that his sister's marriage was fixed. So, he came to invite me for his sister's marriage. Sometimes, we don't realize certain things in our life until we sit and think about that. That day I realized that I was fantasizing him. It was he who used to come in my dreams. Initially, I thought that I was attracted to his charm, his appearance. But gradually, I realized that I was more attracted to his sensitiveness and caring. I thought he was the perfect compliment of me.So, our relation went into the next step. He usually starts every mail with I love you and ends with one more I love you. After that day, I took him for granted as my husband. He never really proposed me. We started talking about our lives, our marriage and life after marriage. Days passed soon. I still wonder how I ended up with his guy. Because before him, I never understood what love is. I never understood why people fight so much with their parents to marry somebody. I never understood why people commit suicide for the sake of their lovers. He was my answer. I fought with my parents so hard and finally married him.

From then onwards, I forgot everything except him and work. Everyday I go to work and return late. He cooks the dinner, waits for me and eats with me. On weekends, I sleep. Again he cooks. He calls me and reminds me of all my appointments, birthday's or anniversaries that I have to wish. He takes care of everything. Yesterday, he called up at 12 and asked me "Did you forgot anything?". I was busy with my release work. I got irritated. I used to wonder why people act like this. Why don't they tell things straight. I wanted to scream at him. But he realized that I am angry and hung up the phone.

That makes sense. Now, I understand why he is crying like that. I check the date in my cellphone. It is 22nd July 2009. It is his birthday. He called up and reminded me his birthday too. Now, I realize what I have been doing to him. All these days, I have been thinking I am making him happy. But now, I realize how much he is patient with me. Whenever I feel low, he is always with me. When he is feeling bad, I will be there but not at the right moment. Always late.

I feel guilty. I go to him and apologize. He smiles with his usual teasing smile and says it is fine and nothing to worry. I promise him I would never repeat this.

Epilogue:
Next day. 20:00 hrs. There was a production breakage, I am working on an urgent bug which needs to be resolved as soon as possible . He calls up and says "Honey! Do you want me to prepare dinner?".

P.S:- This blog is dedicated to all workaholics.

The hole

Sitting inside these four walls now, I started wondering what I missed in these 25 years of my life. Born in a software engineer's family, I ended up as a murdered in this jail. This jail taught me what I haven't learnt in all my life. It taught me the root of happiness.

I was born in New York. My father was software professional who flied to US in that flood of Indian Engineers in search of dollars. He worked in a great goddamn MNC. When I was about eight, my mom left my dad. I remember that she said she didn't feel complete with my Dad. When I was about ten years old, my father was outsourced to India. Initially when I came to India, I hated it like hell. I felt lonely. I felt that I am missing something.

But there was something in India, which made to like it gradually. It was money. Although my father was outsourced to India, he still earned in dollars. With money you can do anything in India. I got a bunch of kids around me. I occasionally, bought them chocolates and ice creams. I thought I could buy everything. I thought buying things and possessing them makes me happy. I bought almost all kinds of toys, video games and stuff like that. But still, deep inside me I felt empty.

And then I grew up. I bought all brands of garments and shoes. It was not sufficient. I thought I need something more. Cigarette. I tasted my first cigarette at the age of 15. I didn't like it. But I continued smoking. I didn't give up because it made me special. I am a smoker. I felt proud saying that (why not! My Dad smokes a lot). But still, deep inside me I felt hollow.

I wanted more. Something else. Something, which fills up the inner empty space. I started drinking at the age of 16. I didn't like the smell or taste of alcohol. But when I had it, it made me something else. I think I used to forgot about the inside empty hole when I was drunk. That's why, I got addicted to it. But still, I felt empty. Deep inside my consciousness, I felt empty.

Then I learnt about this. The thing which is the most secretive act in India. The most-hyped act "sex". I thought that it could fill up the gap. I went for a prostitute. First time, I was scared like hell. I didn't do anything. Nothing happened. I tried again. This time, I did it. I thought I wanted more. This was not what I was hoping for. I used to watch a lot of movies. All these movies showed only one thing. Love. Love is the moksha of life. Love is the aim of life. Love is the ultimatum. Love is the healer for wounds. I thought I could heel my wound with Love. Although my father gave me everything I wanted, he didn't me this love. I think that's why my mom left him. So, I thought I needed a company. I need a girlfriend, to love me and whom I can love. I was busy searching for a girlfriend while my father was busy searching for a software job using his influence.

Meanwhile, I found an easy source of income. Golden Quest. Pay 30000 to a multi-dollar company and bring a bunch of idiots to join in that. You can earn more than your salary. I joined a lot of people in Quest. So, I was flooded with this free money. I went for pubs, everyday. Drinking and dancing became a part of life. In one of those pubs, I found my love. My girlfriend. She is like me. She likes drinking, dancing, partying. A careless girl, who works in a call center and earns a fortune. I proposed her. In one of those nights, we made love. But still, I thought I missed something. It didn't fill the hole inside.

On the same night, I broke up with my father. He wanted me to be responsible. He wants me to do MBA and become an entrepreneur. I never bothered. I came out of house. My girl friend left me. I thought so what? I had my job and handful of money. I used to drink every night and dance. But still, I felt that hole inside me.

Somebody suggested me about spirituality. I tried that. I stopped eating non-veg, drinking, smoking and sex. It didn't make me happy. I felt more and more depressed. I felt that I am insignificant and helpless in this world. The hole became bigger. I lost my job due to this recession effect. It trigged the break-even. I started to drink more than ever. I went for girls more than ever. I was trying to escape. I was trying to forget. But still, the hole remained deep inside me, immovable.

In one of those days, I was drunk and I was with one of my one-night-girlfriend's. I got a call from my father. He was depressed. He wanted to see me. He said he is going to die soon. I thought he was trying to give me that "senti" injection. I finished my job and went home, half-drunk at midnight. Then I saw him lying on the floor half-dead. Somebody stabbed him in his ribs. Blood is coming out like a flood. I felt miserable. I was still in that drunken state. I pulled out the knife from his ribs and more blood came out of his ribs. He died in my hands. And I was arrested for his murder. I never know who killed him. I never tried to learn. I felt I was responsible. I accepted the trial. I was given 7 years jail punishment.

In this jail, I realized what I missed in all these years. In this loneliness, I found the real truth. I found happiness in doing things. I felt happy when the toilet shined bright after cleaning it. I felt happy when broke big stones in single blow. I felt happy when I cleaned these clothes white. I felt happy when I sweep the floor without any dust. I cultivated a passion to do things. To make them clean and complete. I felt responsible for every stone I broke, for every toilet I cleaned. I am happy like this being an expert toilet cleaner, single-blow-stone-breaker, clean sweeper, Mr.white washer. The hole inside me disappeared.