Sitting inside these four walls now, I started wondering what I missed in these 25 years of my life. Born in a software engineer's family, I ended up as a murdered in this jail. This jail taught me what I haven't learnt in all my life. It taught me the root of happiness.
I was born in New York. My father was software professional who flied to US in that flood of Indian Engineers in search of dollars. He worked in a great goddamn MNC. When I was about eight, my mom left my dad. I remember that she said she didn't feel complete with my Dad. When I was about ten years old, my father was outsourced to India. Initially when I came to India, I hated it like hell. I felt lonely. I felt that I am missing something.
But there was something in India, which made to like it gradually. It was money. Although my father was outsourced to India, he still earned in dollars. With money you can do anything in India. I got a bunch of kids around me. I occasionally, bought them chocolates and ice creams. I thought I could buy everything. I thought buying things and possessing them makes me happy. I bought almost all kinds of toys, video games and stuff like that. But still, deep inside me I felt empty.
And then I grew up. I bought all brands of garments and shoes. It was not sufficient. I thought I need something more. Cigarette. I tasted my first cigarette at the age of 15. I didn't like it. But I continued smoking. I didn't give up because it made me special. I am a smoker. I felt proud saying that (why not! My Dad smokes a lot). But still, deep inside me I felt hollow.
I wanted more. Something else. Something, which fills up the inner empty space. I started drinking at the age of 16. I didn't like the smell or taste of alcohol. But when I had it, it made me something else. I think I used to forgot about the inside empty hole when I was drunk. That's why, I got addicted to it. But still, I felt empty. Deep inside my consciousness, I felt empty.
Then I learnt about this. The thing which is the most secretive act in India. The most-hyped act "sex". I thought that it could fill up the gap. I went for a prostitute. First time, I was scared like hell. I didn't do anything. Nothing happened. I tried again. This time, I did it. I thought I wanted more. This was not what I was hoping for. I used to watch a lot of movies. All these movies showed only one thing. Love. Love is the moksha of life. Love is the aim of life. Love is the ultimatum. Love is the healer for wounds. I thought I could heel my wound with Love. Although my father gave me everything I wanted, he didn't me this love. I think that's why my mom left him. So, I thought I needed a company. I need a girlfriend, to love me and whom I can love. I was busy searching for a girlfriend while my father was busy searching for a software job using his influence.
Meanwhile, I found an easy source of income. Golden Quest. Pay 30000 to a multi-dollar company and bring a bunch of idiots to join in that. You can earn more than your salary. I joined a lot of people in Quest. So, I was flooded with this free money. I went for pubs, everyday. Drinking and dancing became a part of life. In one of those pubs, I found my love. My girlfriend. She is like me. She likes drinking, dancing, partying. A careless girl, who works in a call center and earns a fortune. I proposed her. In one of those nights, we made love. But still, I thought I missed something. It didn't fill the hole inside.
On the same night, I broke up with my father. He wanted me to be responsible. He wants me to do MBA and become an entrepreneur. I never bothered. I came out of house. My girl friend left me. I thought so what? I had my job and handful of money. I used to drink every night and dance. But still, I felt that hole inside me.
Somebody suggested me about spirituality. I tried that. I stopped eating non-veg, drinking, smoking and sex. It didn't make me happy. I felt more and more depressed. I felt that I am insignificant and helpless in this world. The hole became bigger. I lost my job due to this recession effect. It trigged the break-even. I started to drink more than ever. I went for girls more than ever. I was trying to escape. I was trying to forget. But still, the hole remained deep inside me, immovable.
In one of those days, I was drunk and I was with one of my one-night-girlfriend's. I got a call from my father. He was depressed. He wanted to see me. He said he is going to die soon. I thought he was trying to give me that "senti" injection. I finished my job and went home, half-drunk at midnight. Then I saw him lying on the floor half-dead. Somebody stabbed him in his ribs. Blood is coming out like a flood. I felt miserable. I was still in that drunken state. I pulled out the knife from his ribs and more blood came out of his ribs. He died in my hands. And I was arrested for his murder. I never know who killed him. I never tried to learn. I felt I was responsible. I accepted the trial. I was given 7 years jail punishment.
In this jail, I realized what I missed in all these years. In this loneliness, I found the real truth. I found happiness in doing things. I felt happy when the toilet shined bright after cleaning it. I felt happy when broke big stones in single blow. I felt happy when I cleaned these clothes white. I felt happy when I sweep the floor without any dust. I cultivated a passion to do things. To make them clean and complete. I felt responsible for every stone I broke, for every toilet I cleaned. I am happy like this being an expert toilet cleaner, single-blow-stone-breaker, clean sweeper, Mr.white washer. The hole inside me disappeared.
